not counting my dog

so i know i said this was going to be  my game design blog but it’s not exactly like i’m ever going to start a “grandstanding on philsophical bullshit and the profane mundanities and mundane profanities and little peccadiloes of every day life miscellanea” blog so let’s just consider this to officially be that too.

Whenever I check into a hotel, even when I’m 100% certain I’m going to be checking in completely ALONE & SOLO (not counting my dog if I’m traveling with my dog to a pet friendly hotel but that’s an edge case and also irrelevant since Dodger can’t use a room key so why would we count it) I always ask for TWO room keys. I always absurdly feel like the check-in desk reads this as me trying to put on the ridiculous front that I am open to the possibility that I (hideous creature that I am, of all people) might somehow acquire female companionship later in the “night” (which is as often as not the following morning) and then I always get defensive about this thing that I think that they might be thinking about me.

For the record, I like to leave one keycard in my wallet, which I can take off and put on the nightstand, when I take off my pants. Then, I can put on sweatpants or pajamas, put the other key card in the pocket of those, and set out to look for the vending machine or fill the ice bucket relatively “unencumbered”. Instead of my pants and my belt and my gun and my wallet and my ID, I just have to carry the “back up” keycard (and possibly some cash or coins for the vending machine) rather than going out fully clad and encumbered.

SO THAT IS WHY I ALWAYS TAKE TWO KEYCARDS WHEN CHECKING INTO A HOTEL ALONE (not counting my dog), NOT BECAUSE I THINK I’M MOTHERFUCKING MILLIONAIRE PLAYBOY BRUCE WAYNE (i am well aware that i look more like his murdered parents) OR AM CONSIDERING USING AN ESCORT SERVICE. Not that, you know, any desk clerk at any hotel over any number of years has ever actually made any question or comment about my second keycard whatsoever.

So in spite of being a REALLY LOUD ANSWER to a question NO ONE ASKED, in honor of the worthlessness of the entire rest of the internet, I HEARBY PRONOUNCE THIS TO BE EITHER THE MOST NOTEWORTHY, OR TIED FOR THE MOST NOTEWORTHY, THING WRITTEN ON THE INTERNET TODAY. (fingers crossed no terror attacks or might have to back down)

MAY THE FORTH BE MOTHERFUCKING WITH YOU.

 

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